Accounting jokes

Q. When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A. When he realizes that he does not have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Q. What does an accountant use for birth control?
A. His personality.

Q. Why did the accountant stare at a glass of orange juice for three hours?
A. Because on the box it said "Concentrate".

Q. What is an actuary?
A. An accountant without the sense of humor.

A vastly wealthy, dying man calls his lawyer, doctor and accountant into his bedroom.   With much of his remaining energy he says, "I've made each of your rich over the years from my fees.  In return I'd like you to do me this one final favor.   They say that 'You can't take it with you.'  I want to prove them wrong.   Here's $10,000 cash for each of you.  When I die, I want you to bury it with me."

The client dies several days later.  At the grave site the three men watch closely as they each drop envelopes into the hole as it is being filled in over the coffin.

They decide to have a cup of coffee together and share some stories about the departed meal ticket.

The lawyer starts grousing, "He was a difficult client, bothering me with nuisance lawsuits and endless contract revisions.   He always argued about my bill and didn't want to reimburse me for expenses.   I threw in only $7,500."

The doctor chimed in, "He was always calling me in the middle of the night to make house calls when he could have taken two aspirin and called me in the morning.  I put $5,000 in the envelope."

The accountant rose indignantly and said, "Why you cheap SOBs, I gave him a check for the full $10,000."

Comprehending accountants - 1
Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.  She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want". 

The second accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending accountants - 2
An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.  The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.  The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. 

The accountant said "I like both".  "Both?"

The accountant replied "Yeah.  If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done.

Comprehending accountants - 3
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.